


So I Wrote You A Letter

by EaterofSouls428



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Has Feelings for Dean Winchester, Castiel Hates Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Dean Winchester Actually Deals With Feelings, Dean Winchester Has a Heart, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Human Castiel (Supernatural), I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:14:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29285118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EaterofSouls428/pseuds/EaterofSouls428
Summary: Dear Dean Winchester,My therapist says I need to let go of you. I told her I didn't know how. She suggested writing about you and I about some of the things we did and stupid shit like that. Something about clearing my memories of you. So I wrote you a letter. I don't want you to read it, i just feel like talking to you instead of the paper.Sincerly,Castiel.Or the one where Dean receives letters in the mail from Cass.And because I'm me they're not going to be just the letters. I want there to be a story outside the letters too.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	1. I Wanted to Talk to You Instead of the Paper

Dean sighed harshly as he clocked out from work. As much as he loved working on cars all day, everything else about running his own garage was hell. The paperwork, rude customers, and lazy staff was almost enough to make him quit. Almost. When Uncle Bobby retired, Dean was ecstatic to take over because he knew how much the garage meant to Bobby. Giving up wasn't an option.

Dean turned off all of the lights, including the one in the front widow that said 'open', closed and locked the front door and climbed into his beloved 1967 Chevrolet Impala. After firing up her engine and letting her warm up, Dean peeled out of the staff parking and sped home. He wanted nothing more than an ice cold beer at that moment. 

A short drive later, Dean was pulling into his driveway. He sluggishly wandered to his front door when he remembered to grab the mail from the box. Anticipating bills he grabbed the envelopes and half-assed glanced over each letter. Dean unlocked his door and suddenly snapped to one of the envelopes in his hand.

He singled out that envelope and haphazardly tossed the others onto the pile of ever growing letters that sat on the end table next to the door. He threw his keys into the small dish next to the pile of mail and fervently tore open the letter in his hand. 

Dean hadn't heard from Castiel in years. So a letter out of the blue was more then he could have imagined from Cass. He gently pulled the three pages of folded up notebook paper from the envelope and took note of how they looked like they were torn roughly from the book they came from. 

Dean unfolded the pages and noticed that the first page was dusty and slightly older than the next 2. Like the first page was written much before the others. Dean ran his fingers over the inked letters, admiring the hand writing he used to be so familiar with. After stalling for so long, Dean finally began to read the letter while awkwardly standing in his door way. He hadn't even bothered to close the door.

"Dear Dean Winchester, 

My therapist says I need to let go of you. I told her I didn't know how. She suggested writing about you and I and about some of the things we did and stupid shit like that. Something about clearing my memories of you. So I wrote you a letter. I don't want you to read it, I just feel like talking to you instead of the paper. 

Sincerely,

Castiel." 

Those few words on the first page created a pain in his chest that Dean had not felt in a long time. Heartbreak. Why was he so upset that Castiel was taking measures to forget him. And why was he reading the letter if Castiel didn't want him to? Dean hoped those questions would be answered by the rest of the letter. 

"Hello again Dean,

I guess right now you're probably wondering why you're reading this letter if I didn't want you to in the 1st place. The truth is I changed my mind. I've spent these last 3 years bottling up the anger that you and these stupid letters have caused me. So now they're your problem. I'm going to send you a letter every week, just like how I wrote them. Every week for a year I wrote you a letter, Dean Winchester. And they didn't fucking help with what they were supposed to anyway. I'm still in love with your stupid ass. It's been 3 fucking years and I'm still so in love you. You fucking idiot. So I hope you enjoy these letters. The ones of me pouring my heart out to you through ink. I figured writing would be better since talking about our emotions was too fucking much for you. Who knows if you'll even read, or if you can read since you're such an idiot. I'm not even worried about this letter not finding you because I know you're too emotionally constipated to move out of that damn house. Too many emotions to process upon leaving your childhood home. 

Fuck you,

Castiel Novak." 

Dean didn't even notice he was crying until a tear landed on the paper, causing the inking on Castiel's signature to run slightly. Dean panicked and wiped his eyes, he put the on the end table and picked up the shredded bits of the envelope from the floor. 

He carried them to the garbage and tossed them in. Suddenly the weight of Cass' words hit him, and Dean had to sit at his kitchen table. He put his head in his hands and let himself let go of everything he was holding in. 

Why did Castiel's words hurt Dean so much? And why was Dean Winchester such a moron?


	2. So Why Do I Still Love You?

To say that Castiel's letter had shocked Dean was an understatement. 

That letter and its' contents had completely shaken Dean to his core, and he hated that. Mostly because he couldn't explain to himself why it had affected him so harshly. He hadn't spoken to Castiel in 3 years, why now? Why did Castiel wait 3 years to tell Dean anything? Dean didn't blame Castiel though.

Dean stared at the finance forms on his desk. They needed to be sent off a week ago, but the only thing Dean could do was stare blankly and try to wrap his head around the whole Cass situation. He couldn't make sense of his irrational behavior and decided to call it quits. 

"Ash!" Dean called from his office. 

"What up?" The mullet wearing man flew into the room, gripping the doorframe with his left hand and leaning in to look at Dean. 

"I'm heading out for the day. You're in charge until Ellen shows up." Dean said and stood up from his desk chair. He grabbed his coat and gave Ash a stern look. "Don't fuck anything up." 

"You got it, Boss-man." Ash nodded and left just as quickly as he arrived. 

"Don't make me regret this." Dean said to himself and his empty office. 

He slumped through the front door and got into the Impala. Dean started her with ease and put his head on the steering wheel. This whole Cass thing was really messing with him. Dean took a sharp breath in through his nose, put Baby in gear and peeled out of his parking space. Not even 2 minutes afterward he decided to call Sam and let him know about the mess he found himself in.

"Hello?" 

"Heya, Sammy." Dean smiled slightly at the sound of his brother's voice.

"It's Sam, but what's going on Dean?" 

"Nothing! Can't 2 brothers just have a conversation over the phone without there being a reason?" Dean defended while also trying to drive.

"Dean, you have never called me for 'no reason'. What do you want? I'm kinda busy." Sam snapped.

"It's Cass." 

"What about him? You've been separated for 3 years, why the sudden phone call about him?"

"He sent me a letter that's not sitting right with me."

"Are you driving? Dean, we talked about this the last time, you're going to kill someone if you keep doing that."

"I know that! This couldn't wait." Dean slightly raised his voice.

"Don't start getting defensive with me, Dean. I'm just looking out for you." Sam sighed and Dean could tell from over the phone that Sam was stressed about something. "Look, I need to get away for the weekend so I'll catch the first flight to Kansas that I can, okay? That way I can rest and also help you with your issue." 

"Thanks, Sam." Dean said as politely as he could. That was one thing he hated more than anything. Feeling like a charity case. "I'll see you soon then."

"Bye Dean." 

Dean hung up abruptly and tossed his cellphone onto the passenger seat roughly. He continued driving rather aggressively until he was home. He pulled into the driveway, parked, and turned off Baby. He grabbed his cellphone and got out, slamming the door angrily behind him. Then realizing what he'd done, apologized to his car and solemnly grabbed the mail from the mailbox. He stomped up to the front door and unlocked it, cautiously closing it behind him so as not to have a repeat of earlier. He precariously tossed the mail and his keys on the table when something caught his eye. 

Cass wasn't joking about sending a letter every week, and Dean had clearly been blind sided by this. He almost wanted to just throw the damn thing away or into a box or something but he forced himself to open the envelope to reveal 2 pages of worn paper and a single new one. He hesitated reading the words from Cass but powered through and read them anyway.

"Dear Dean Winchester,

Damn, I'm going to get tired of that quick. 

Anyway, Dean. You suck and I hate you. No, that's a lie. Mostly. You do suck, but I could never hate you as long as I still love you. Hence these letters. Immediately after you called us quits I got mental help because I knew I'd need it. Losing you was something I never wanted or expected... I thought we were forever, Dean Winchester. Clearly I was wrong. Why? That's all I want to know, and I can't even ask you that because you're not here. Was I not good enough? Was I too pushy about the whole emotions thing? Did you actually love me? 

And I know there's no way you can answer these questions because you'll never see these letters. I won't get that closure from you. Because of course you made sure of that. Those words you said to me on that day have replayed in my head for a month now, Dean. Did you know that? Obviously not because I can't tell you and you're not me. And you never think of anyone but yourself. You never stop and think about how your actions and the things you say affect people, Dean. And I hate that about you. I hate that you never talked to me. You bottled everything up and blew up at me later. I hate that about you. I hate so many things about you but I'm still fucking in love with you.

After all of the bullshit you put me through I still love you! And I don't know why because you're an arrogant, egotistical asshole.

So why do I still love you?

~Castiel"

"Well, tell me how you really feel Cass. Why did you stay with me? What did I do to deserve you?" Dean asked, but his question would go answered. For who could answer him besides the floorboards, the walls, the pieces of paper he held in his hands? He continued on with the last page. The fresh page that looked as though it were just written. The one that Cass had written after the fact to send to Dean to explain his letter or lament further.

"Hello again,

I can safely say as of today, I hate you Dean. But I still love you. Isn't that ironic. You have taken over my life Dean. From the very second we met you have been everything to me and even after 3 years of all of this lamenting and hatred, you still are. Explain that to me. 

~Castiel"

This was going to be fun to explain to Sam when he got here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's 1 am and I've already missed out on three nights of a full 8 hours. So if this is shit please let me know so I can stop trying to do shit at Early-As-Fuck O'clock.
> 
> ~Thank you and I'm sorry.


	3. Sincerely, The Man Who Deserves Your Hate The Most

Was it confusion that Dean had found himself completely taken over by? Was it confusion that had caused him to start losing sleep at night? Was it confusion that caused him to lose focus constantly? Was he wrecked by confusion?

The answer was simple.

No.

It was not confusion, but guilt. Dean had been forcefully made aware of the consequences his actions had on Cass. And he did not like that.

Now that he knew, Dean was drowning in the guilt he felt for treating Cass the way he did. He was now faced with the all of the shit that Cass went through because of him. And god damn it, Cass was an angel for dealing with it for so long. 

The worst part in Dean's mind, was the thought of having to tell Sammy. He was going to have to look Sammy in the face and explain how badly he fucked up Cass. Sammy was never going to look at him the same, and Dean hated that thought more than anything. 

So when he received a text message from Sam saying that his plane had landed, Dean's heart sank. He leaned against his beloved car that sat directly in front of the airport and as he waited for Sammy to come out through the front doors, Dean relived the horror that was his life before Cass left him. 

At least, he relived the parts he could remember.

He remembered bits and pieces of nights where Cass sat worrying about Dean, and whether or not Dean's liver would last him his whole life. He remembered Cass telling him he needs to take care of his alcoholism before it took him like it took John. 

He remembered how pissed off he'd gotten at Cass for speaking ill about his father. 

His wasn't an alcoholic. His father was the greatest man that Dean had ever known. His father was brilliant and hard working. His father cared for Dean, Sam and Mary. Right? John Winchester always made sure there was food for them, he made sure they had a roof over their head. John Winchester made sure his family was never cold, and they always had a bed to sleep on. All of these things meant that John wasn't an abuser, how could he be when he did all of it for his family? 

It had taken Dean a long time to realize that yes, his father was an alcoholic. His father was an abuser because of they way he treated his sons. His father was never proud of him and Sam, they could never do good by John's standards. He'd leave them alone for long periods of time and expect them to fend for themselves, all while they were children. At the age of 9 Dean had begun taking blame for things that Sam did because he didn't want John to yell at Sam. Because that's just what big brother's do, right?

Wrong. No child should be afraid of their parent and John Winchester was a monster. 

Cass knew that a lot earlier than Dean had realized that John did the bare minimum for his family, and Dean had screamed at Cass for knowing. 

"Well shit, if I knew you were going to cry upon seeing me I would've come earlier." Sam laughed lightly, startling Dean out of his trance he was in.

He pushed himself off of the car and wiped his cheek, surprised at himself for letting go and breaking in such a public place. 

"Shut up bitch and get in the car." Dean snapped. "Quickly or you're walking back." 

Sam practically threw himself into the car and then actually threw his duffel bag into the backseat. and after making sure everything was situated, they began driving. The drive home consisted of Sam figuratively poking at Dean's 'macho man façade' and Dean brushing Sam off with a half-baked lie of 'getting something in his eye'. Which they both knew was bullshit but left alone.

Once they finally reached 'home' Sam visibly grimaced at the sight of his childhood home. 

Both brother's knew why but neither wanted to talk about it. 

Dean instinctively went to check the mail but was disappointed until he remembered it hadn't been a week yet. Dean hoped Sam didn't notice and Sam hoped Dean wouldn't notice that he definitely had.

The men entered the old house and Sam shuddered at the thought of staying there, but Dean needed his help. And he'd do almost anything for Dean.

Sam threw his duffel bag on his bed in his old room and immediately began interrogating Dean about the letters that Cass had been sending. Dean had the envelopes and their contents to Sam and allowed him to read them. Dean felt uneasy about his brother reading the personal notes from the man he loved- once loved. But he needed help figuring out what to do. after what Dean thought was too long, Sam looked up from the handwritten notes and stared directly into Dean's eyes.

"What the fuck did you do to him, Dean?" Sam demanded knowing, and Dean explained.

He explained the alcoholism, and internalized homophobia, and the praise he used to give John, and the pedestal that he had once held their father on that was so high up and mighty that caused Dean to be blind to the hurt he caused the man he loved- once loved. Through tears Dean explained the mental and emotional baggage that he forced onto Cass , and he explained the damage he caused.

Sam sat in his chair at the kitchen table for a long time. He sat in silence as he looked solemnly at Dean, differently even. Dean knew that was inevitable but it still hurt him. Dean opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it. There were no words to say to Sam.

So Sam stood up slowly and walked into the other room. Dean hung his head in shame until Sam returned with a notebook, pen, envelope and stamp and placed them in front of him. 

"You need to respond to him. Now. You write back to that man and you apologize for everything you've ever done." Sam demanded. 

"Okay." Dean replied softly, like a child who was caught teasing another kid and was forced to apologize. However, he actually meant it. He only hoped that Cass would listen.

'Dear Castiel Novak, 

"I know you hate me and hearing from me is probably the last thing you want. Or even need. You probably don't want to even hear this but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything that I ever did to hurt you. That was shitty of me. I don't want you to forgive me. I don't deserve your forgiveness. Fuck it, who knows if you're even going to open this letter let alone read it. If I were I'd probably throw it away. 

sincerely, 

The man who deserves your hate the most.

Dean Winchester"

He scrawled his signature underneath is letter and shoved the paper into the envelope. He sealed it, haphazardly placed the stamp in the corner and copied the address from the previous envelopes. 

And then he put it in the mail box without a 2nd thought. 

He should have thought again, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this to be out on the same day as the Destiel Twitter wedding but it didn't quite work out. 
> 
> Also I hate John and Mary Winchester.
> 
> John more though. 
> 
> I'm tired.


End file.
